Episode 91 – Till the End of Time by Suzanne Elizabeth

He’s Scott, the dumbest fighter pilot to ever be trusted with a top secret time travel experiment! She’s Rachel, a Civil War spy who has somehow never worn a corset! It’s Till the End of Time, a 1994 time travel romance by Suzanne Elizabeth that has twenty whole reviews on Goodreads!

This is a silly book, so there isn’t much to warn you about except that this man is incredibly stupid and that your tax dollars are being lit on fire, and you would not believe the terrible packing on display here. The book does (I mean this is a low bar but) understand that slavery is wrong and is entirely on the side of the abolitionists in it, but it does also fail the seriousness test in that upon time travelling and meeting enslaved people the hero just takes it in stride which is distressing.

So I couldn’t remember everything when we were recording but these are the ten essentials you should always take when you go out in the wilderness OR WHEN YOU ARE TIME TRAVELING (even if it’s a totally familiar trail – day hikers are the ones who get in trouble outdoors because they underplan!) On a routine hike you might not need any of them, but if the shit hits the fan you’ll be glad you prepared – think about the worst that could reasonably happen that you could prepare for and pack for that. Usually that’s a night out in the rough, a sudden weather change, or an injury anywhere between annoying and serious. Think none of that will happen to you? Then plan to take this stuff to help somebody else.

1. Navigation: map, compass, GPS, consider a PLB for real backcountry or backpacking trips – best practice is a paper map and compass as a backup, don’t just rely on your phone!
2. Light – a flashlight or headlamp can weigh next to nothing and you’ll be extremely glad if you need it! Again, don’t rely on your phone for this. Throw one in your suitcase too, I use mine a lot when I travel.
3. Sun protection – hat, sunglasses, sunscreen, long sleeves, whatever you need. Best practice for looking hot your whole life.
4. First aid – a simple kit including foot care and insect repellent can go in a sandwich bag at the bottom of your pack. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, snakebite kits are nonsense, but you want to be able to stop bleeding, protect a blister, splint a limb, tame an allergic reaction, take a bee stinger out, that sort of thing. Leave the suture kit for people who know how to use one – if you do, you shouldn’t be getting your first aid tips from a podcast about romance novels. (Pro tip, you’re gonna want most of this this at Disney too!)
5. Knife, and anything you might need to fix the rest of your gear. (So, if you have a tent, make sure you can temporarily fix a broken pole.) Roll of duct tape around a Sharpie is a good idea.
6. A way to make fire – assume everything will be wet. No, you probably cannot do this with a bow drill in an emergency unless you’ve done it before.
7. Shelter – can just be a space blanket, I have one in all my backpacks and my car’s glovebox.
8. Extra food – beyond what you’re scheduled to need, you never know when you’ll get stuck or encounter somebody in trouble.
9. Extra water – same idea. A water filter, if you know there will be water sources, will work.
10. Extra clothes – you can get wet, or the weather can change.

How many of these does our erstwhile Air Force captain take with him a hundred and fifty years into the past? Well, he has some sweatpants, some snacks, and a flashlight.

Please excuse the many transcription errors, we do use voice recognition and it does not speak Southern.

Hey y’all, I’m Courtney and I’m Sara and this is Bodice Tipplers, the podcast where we read all the books we used to steal off our grandmother’s nightstands and then we drink about it. On this episode we read Till the End of Time by Suzanne Elizabeth.

It’s mostly silly, it doesn’t have any heavy trigger warnings, but you should know that this man travels back in time to 1862 Georgia and does not immediately just freak out, shit his pants and die knowing he’s in the presence of actual enslaved people. He’s also a really bad packer. Yeah, and you know Courtney and I are very type A travelers and this really bothered us a lot. He also doesn’t care about like timeline hygiene at all. He never saw back to the future. He never saw any time travel movie. Yeah, which is weird.

Which I feel like would be the number one thing for time travel like, for education. Well, I mean, you know. Oh, oh this also has like the most irresponsible use of taxpayer dollars. This is what really they are using my money for with their top secret bullshit.

Yeah, and if they are a holy shit, I have notes and I would like to actually attend that public comment meeting. So hey y’all. Hey y’all. So this book, I found this book at the Book Dispensary and I got it because it has a man in like a flight jacket and jeans standing in front of a antebellum plantation house and I had to get it even though it’s like a 94 book so it’s a little bit out of our time period. I love a bomber jacket and antebellum. It’s like the kind with a fleece collar is very sexy except that he looks very dim and that seems to be a little. It’s the jacket that you see in Rocky for when he is training in the cyber area. Also, we are coming to you live from our very special recording.

Yeah, I know, but you know what? Let me have a last nest in a moment. Okay.

Jesus. Like we’re coming to you live from Edisto Island where we are on our 2023 podcast retreat that is brought to us by you guys, our Patreons. So we thank you for your continued support and allowing this to happen for us. Yeah, I don’t want you to think that we just like took your money and fucked off the beach. Actually we took your money and are recording a shit ton of episodes at the beach so we could actually fucking focus on shit and not have our children ask us for things. It’s been amazing.

So you guys are our favorite people because I don’t know if I’ve been this relaxed and like so we’re hoping to bring you a little bit more of a steady stream of episodes instead of like, oh my God, we got sick again. Yes. All right. So Suzanne Elizabeth is an award winning novelist and screenwriter. She formally was published with Harper Collins and they were originally published in the 90s and as she says, we’re written in the classic bodice ripper style. She says that she’s now rewriting each one, leaving the humor and the romance intact, but removing the adult situations that failed to add to the spirit of the story.

Before war and there will still be a bit of rough language in the books like no, lady, I want to hear about your horniness. So it looks like a lot of what she writes are these time travel books. She’s won some awards for her death, like the Destiny series. So there’s like when Destiny calls, destined to love and then destined awaits.

And so she has won awards for those. So this book was falling apart. It looked good when I got it, but then it is extremely friable. It’s like the most acidified. It’s demolecularized. It is.

Spoiler alert. It’s actually coming from a different time. But the back copy, so it’s missing part of the side of the back copy because it’s literally flaking off as we go. So I’ll read what I can, but I can tell you that they they’re spoiling the best part. All right.

They’re giving away the plot twist. And I’ll just like leave the like the holes in it. Never intended to stay.

Couldn’t fair to let him go. Something. I guess Rachel Ann Warren’s first mission as a union spy was. Prevent a fortune from reaching the hands of the notorious pirate Scott Ramsey, a seductive robe who. As impossible to outwit as he was to resist. Yet the truth of the matter was that Captain Ramsay was no privateer, but an adventurous 20th century test. Pilots stranded in the past and he was even willing to risk the dangers of Civil War, Georgia for the reckless temptation of loving this gorgeous hell. Ian. Surrending to a love born against all odds and fighting the fates that separated them.

Rachel and Scott would follow the hearts till the end of time. All right. So let’s jump into this book. First of all, we have Scott, the worst test pilot in the world.

It’s crazy. So Scott is in Washington state and he lives with his grandma and his grandma just wants to go to an old folks home. She’s like, no, I have to care of you.

Yes. And she’s like, I want to go hanging out with people my age and do stuff. And he’s like, no, no one can take care of you as good as I can. But I got to go for a while because my job has me go back in fucking time. Now understand this is an experimental military time travel thing, but he is not like on site being disinfected.

Like, you know how astronauts have to go into seclusion? Yes. Yeah. No, none of that.

No, no, no. He just drives two in front. He lives 30 minutes from the base and he just drives two in front. He shows up in the morning. And so what he has packed to go back in time.

Are you ready for the entire content? Oh, wait, before we do that, let’s talk about how they pick where he’s going to go. They don’t. He’s like, oh, well, where are you guys sending me back to today? And they’re like 1862, Georgia. And he’s like, oh, the Civil War, fine. And they’re like, yeah, we just threw us.

We just threw a dart at something and that sounded good. And he’s like, well, how, how unproblematic could this be? Absolutely the most unproblematic place I have ever gone to in my fucking life.

There is no consideration. Okay. So you think that there’s probably two ways you could do this, right? You could either outfit this guy in an 1862 outfit and let him take nothing from the future.

Or you can outfit this guy as if he were going on a backpacking trip because what’s supposed to happen is he gets deposited somewhere and then six hours later, a thing comes back and gets him. And here’s the thing. You kind of have to give me some explanation. And all it was, it was like, well, this is Project Stargate. So we don’t know if it’s a machine, a room, what the fuck it is.

All of a sudden, he’s just back in time with a goddamn duffel bag. Yeah. And okay. So he does not pack anything.

When I go on even a little day hike in a super well-known trail that I go to all the time, I take, by the way, my 10 essentials. Here we go. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Because my plan is, all right, I’m not going to have to plan to go back to 1862. I’m not going to ruin it, but she has been talking about this one item, ad nauseam, this whole trip. And it is the most like, this is the other thing is Sarah and I have never been on a trip together before.

And it’s so funny because I didn’t know that it was like going with my memo. Look, you pack a raincoat. You would pack, because he has to sit there for six hours. He doesn’t know what the weather is going to be. She has been talking about this raincoat. And she has also been talking about the state of like the dampness in a room. And it’s amazing.

So I’m enjoying it. But yes, he packs a duffel bag. Like when I tell my teenage daughter that we’re going on a trip and that, you know, to pack her stuff, I have to give her a list. Because if I leave it to her own devices, what he packs is exactly the shit she would pack. Now, what he should be packing, if he is taking anything that would just not buy anything. Give us your 10 essentials. We need your 10 essentials. Well, I’m probably going to like forget a couple, but you got to have a fucking map. You got to have a way to make a fire. You got to wait until you can make sure you’re keeping warm, like a space blanket, real small. That’s fine.

That’s enough. Like you got to have, you know, all your ways that you can navigate. And if you have to like spend a night out there, you know, what if it’s rainy? What if you had to have something to eat?

You have to have something to drink. He does pack that. And like a tent. Yeah. Like I agree with your tent thing. Like even something like, you know, something to make. Well, he has a flashlight.

But like something like a lean to or something, because you can’t go putting out like some bright red neon tint. Yeah. You know, but I mean, he said the military, they have, they have the technology to make something that bends space and time.

And it should be the most important discovery in the history of mankind. But they don’t give him like a go bag. They’re just like, pack your own shit. Maybe they’re so busy on the fact that they have, they have raw time to our own disposal. But again, the man in charge of this is not some like very serious stern Oppenheimer looking motherfucker. It is some jokey Colonel Sanders guy who’s like, Hey.

And there’s only like four of them. This is not this. Yeah. It does not feel like Los Alamos.

Okay. This feels like a project that nobody gives a shit about where they put people they don’t care about anymore. It really does. It’s like they just like, early issues like four guys, it’s like the fucking lone gunman from, you know, X files fell into a thing and are like, well, but you know what? The lone gunman had that accountant one that was always super prepared.

So they would have been better prepared. But so like what happens when he goes back through time is that they send him back to a place that they literally throw a dart at. And then he, if everything goes well, he has to wait there for six hours for the time. And he does like the series of tests, but they’re not like, it’s like jump on a foot.

Listen to Aki Breiki Hart. There’s also a porno mag. Yes.

A porno mag. Y’all like, what the hell is happening? Yeah.

So I mean, like you could come out in the middle of a fucking hurricane. It’s like the kids from the movies, like stand by me. They’re a little bad. Okay. So what’s in this duffel bag with you? What’s in the bag? What did this man pack to go to 1862, Georgia for what he hopes will be a six hours of nothing, but could be anything because this is a brand new thing and it fucks up a lot, which we tells us. Okay. He packs in a zipper duffel.

You’ll notice that is not an 1862 technology. He does pack food and drink. He packs a one liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and both a can of Pringles and some M &Ms. He packs the things that he’s required to take to test. So that would be a Walkman with Aki Breiki Hart, I guess a single in it, and a New D Mag. On his body, he has a flannel shirt and jeans.

Doesn’t seem like kind of shoes I would like to know. He is not even in like a mission uniform. They make a, and here’s the thing, the military, you guys know how gay it is. They make a uniform or an outfit for everything. Oh no, they would have time travel force. And it would have a little passion shit. Yeah.

He has a flashlight. Is that it? We got that.

Yes. I don’t even think he has a. Those sweatpants. He has sweatpants. Oh, sweatpants.

That’s it. In case, I mean, I guess in case he gets wet. So that’s good. You should have a kind of a change of clothes in case you get wet.

But yeah, that’s it. No raincoat. I would have a raincoat. No raincoat. Nothing really. Nothing great. Thankfully, no God. I didn’t even imagine he left that behind saying as an idiot.

Okay. So the book again, he’s, it’s, you know, he is, he gets teleported back in time to some random ass like pond in 1862, Georgia, where he’s like got a jump on one foot. Like the tests are stupid too. This book would have been better served if we didn’t have any of like the framing device for it.

If you just started with him in 1862, that would be better. Because I guess got so furious with how stupid like you have not carrying any instrumentation or no. Again, he has got the thing that is like, if this was a thing that would actually like that existed, it would would up in society forever. Because what they don’t talk about, by the way, is obviously every time travel machine is also a space travel machine.

Otherwise you would just be. Because he’s in Washington state. He doesn’t go back in time from the point of where he is located. He goes back in time and then also like geographically travel. But I mean, see, he would be, I mean, they always have to be a geography thing anyway, because otherwise you would end up where our galaxy was. I mean, I get that. Like, you know, obviously, but what I’m saying is like, yeah, no, it’s a teleportation device, which you think the military would have more than these three guys on because we could just put as many people we wanted to anywhere.

Yeah, like it’s crazy. So he’s just hopping on a foot, listening to Aki Breaky Hart on cassette. And like, I was like, no, that would have been a CD by that. Well, maybe, you know, honestly, anti-skip, not that great at the time. So maybe they thought that that was a more robust technology. Maybe. Maybe that is true.

And he’s just tooling around. Meanwhile, we’ve got Rachel Ann Warren, who I think might have been like based on Leslie Ann Warren. Well, what you’re not supposed to know yet is that she’s a spy. All you know is that like she’s from Ohio, so she doesn’t know how southerners do things.

She said that she was like that she got tired of like industrialization and wanted to come down to the south where they had that good old slavery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was like a slavery enthusiast.

Yeah. And she’s like, so her, her aunt, she’s staying with her aunt and her uncle, and the aunt is horny for her to get married to Beauregard Bodane, the most eligible man in the south. And delightfully, Beauregard Bodane is like a wet napkin. He’s anemic as fuck. And here’s the thing.

They live on this whole ass plantation. Beauregard Bodane is a young, young man. What the fuck is he not the front for? Exactly. And like they this war does not exist. No. And so far as they they’re getting all the fabric they want, they’re getting everything. Yes.

And like, so her uncle and Beauregard Bodane’s dad, Mr. Bodane, and like, you know, the people of this like shitty town are trying to raise money so they could get this private here to do some blockade running. Yeah. That is, that is all we have about the war. I don’t even know if we’re on a coastal town. I don’t know where the fuck we are.

I know that we are not because I think that we’re actually from where my family is from, because they talk about going north and east to Millageville. Yeah. So like what the point? Why are you buying this private here?

What do you do? None of this makes sense. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t matter. So you’re not supposed to think about it. She is like our girl is tired talking about Beauregard Bodane, because again, she’s here for sneaking around reasons.

Yeah. She’s actually a spy, but I mean, like, you know, but she’s a spy and cahoots with her brothers. Her brothers like Zach and Todd, very, you know, very fucking.

Look, they’re real 19th century names, but they also have like the Tiffany problem. Yes, exactly. So she’s like, all right, Aunt Carol, I’ve got to go. I’m going to go buy the pond.

I like to be outside. She’s like, well, why are you buying it? You know, she’s like a vigorous young woman. But the thing is she actually, she’s never worn any of these outfits before. Like when she wears a corset, she like about to die. I was like, she is also from the future. Because apparently the north is just amazing and they don’t have to wear corsets and they don’t have to ride horses.

Side, side, and there’s no conventions for women. So she’s like, I’m really weirdly presentist. Like an issue with this. But like, so yeah, like you don’t find out that she’s a spy for a while in the book, though. Because I was like, this book is extra stupid.

And then I got to the point where she’s a spy. Like, okay, okay, never mind. Never mind. On board now.

Yeah. A lot of what she’s done makes, makes a lot more sense when she knows she’s a spy. So she is wandering around the pond and she sees this asshole jumping on one foot. And she, you know, she, she, you know, clocks them in his goddamn blue jeans that have not been invented yet. And his like flannel shirt and she’s like, Hey, what are you doing? And he’s like, Hey girl, how are you?

And he’s like, are you captain whoever Ramsey or Ramsey or whatever? Yeah, because like, apparently the cast had had terrible handwriting. And it was Ramsey, Rimsby. But you know, it was also a captain.

And he’s like, well, I’m captain Ramsey because he is a captain of dumb assery. And then she’s like, Oh, they’ve been waiting for you at the house. And he’s like, we got to go. And he’s like, no, I’m good right here.

She’s like, no, you’re coming with me. But then the uncle happens upon them. And so all of a sudden he’s like, gotta go to a plantation. Now again, this man is from like the fucking 90s, 2000s, whatever, because like this book is wild timeframe wise, we’ll get into that. But he now has to go to a plantation house and witness people in human bondage.

Now you think that this would be brought up. The only thing he says is like that guy’s an asshole because he buys people like he would buy like cars. Like, well, yeah, he is an asshole. But what is it like when you sat down at that dinner table and an enslaved person fed you? And that you know, you can’t do anything to like save them. No, it’s like, okay.

Yeah. And then he’s like, he goes to the house and they’re like, oh, captain Ramsey, we’ll get your 10 grand, you know, for the boat. And he’s like, okay. And he’s flirty with Rachel. And they’re like, oh, well, you stay with dinner. Boat and burger or burger or boat.

I’m going to be here. He’s like, well, why not? Like he thinks he’s got six hours. Yeah.

But he’s so lost there about this whole thing. I would be throwing up. I would be like the smell of like, again, nothing is discussed about like the alias of like being in a foreign land, essentially.

Like not even like, oh, there’s no air conditioning, you know, like a small thing. And here’s the thing. He’s just like here. He’s like some test pilot.

I was like, he doesn’t have like an anthropology degree or anything like that. So like how it’s wild. He is just. But yeah, yeah, he is not too. I mean, I get.

Okay. So, um, well, he’s an Air Force pilot. So I mean, he’s a little smarter, right?

He I mean, my assumption of it is that the Air Force and the Navy are the two smart ones. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Or like, sorry, Trotty Marine.

Sorry. He’s out here walking around like a Marine. He has got big Marine energy. Cryons. Eatin’ crayons. Like pulling out his fucking like portable TV. I mean, it’s like at this point, he does not give a shit.

I was like, you’re ruining the, what are you doing? We could all be dead. This is a plan of the apes now because he decided to just like swing a stick around. When Bill Ted and Marty are all better at time traveling than this highly trained fucking military officer.

This is like, this is. I’m telling you, I bet he’s not a pilot. I bet they just want to get rid of this man and they have no intention of sending a pilot. But again, like Bill Ted, at least like they worried about the timeline.

They knew they had to get people back. He don’t get a frass ass to the timeline. No, nothing. So he was just like. I mean, I imagine that the timeline is extra fragile, like when there’s a fucking war on, right? Yes.

You wouldn’t send somebody, you would, if you were not trying to learn about people or whatever, you would send him somewhere you knew there weren’t. Nobody is talking about his like, how he doesn’t talk like that. Yeah. Anyway, so he goes to this dinner party. They excuse everything by, well, I guess he’s a rough privateer. Like the fact that he is wearing completely insane clothing. The fact that his accent is utterly not what they have ever met a man who talks like that.

I mean, like, no, no, I guess it’s just all explained by his rough sailor men. So he’s like in a room next to her. And it starts off like she gets, so she gets wrestled into this corset and she’s never had to wear a corset before, which doesn’t make any bullshit. Like at least she’s like, she’s got at least like heavily bone stays or something at the very minute. So she’s got this corset on and she passes out going down the stairs. Captain Scott Ramsey catches her, you know, a get a burger, a burger, a bone shows up and he’s like, I do declare. Oh my God, you got your hands on her. Sir, you must not do that.

You know, oh my God, it’s something else. So yeah, he goes to dinner and he’s like, I mean, okay, it kind of does make sense that he’s like, I got six hours. I got to just kind of go and let go. But you would have been better served to be like, huh, what is all this stuff on the table? Like, huh, how do I use this?

I mean, obviously, I know how to use the fork, but I don’t understand like the table manners that would be, you know, whatever of the time. Like this kind, like that shit, like if you’re going to put stuff in about time travel, then you’re going to have to give me something other than he is completely comfortable and confident. Actually give him an outfit and he doesn’t wear it. He wears his like, I’m wearing my jeans. You can’t get me out. Nobody comes between me and my Calvin. That is the guy who like does not care that your mom is really intense about hats at the table because he feels that his right to wear his hat is like Trump’s your mom’s. Oh, for sure.

For sure. And so they have not take that man a place. They have they have this dinner and you know, Barbara Garbaudine and the other guy like, Oh, but the north, the tyranny of the north and trying to take away our slave people that are rights and, you know, Captain Ramsay is like, Oh, whatever. Yeah, he doesn’t throw up.

He just like, you know, and so it becomes increasingly clear. They don’t have the 10 grand yet. They’re like, we’ve got some of it, but we don’t have all. So they are a little bit back footed by him, which is why they’re not calling him out more, which okay, I guess like, yeah, because he’s the one that they think is going to save them. So like he can be an asshole. Right.

You know, you know, the aunt was like, Oh, Lord, this man and his rough man is like, I just try to keep him away from her knees, which okay, fair enough. Right. My dudes, I picture it as looking kind of like from a doctor strange like that swirling like when he has the sling ring. Like, yeah, well, there’s like, there’s a, yeah, there’s a portal that like, you know, spirals or yeah. So or like the game portals, but like what happens if like just your like, can it cut you in half?

Again, these are questions that we don’t know any of it. But so the portal is really small. It sucks up a table lamp. And then he throws a little like wadded up note. Like, too small. So I’m assuming that there’s a notebook in his, you know, duffel bag of uselessness. And maybe that is useful.

But I get that duffel bag. I could spend an hour talking about it. Oh my God.

I absolutely could. I just every time I try to move on to something else, I’m like, they couldn’t even like make a duffel bag with like historically appropriate things. Like it’s wide like, okay, this is never supposed to meet people, but how do you make sure you’re not going to meet people when you send somebody to somewhere that’s super popular? Let me send you to what’s on blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, next time we’re going to send you to like the black death. Yeah. Like, and that’s the other thing. That’s the block. Yeah. They don’t talk about vaccinations.

They don’t talk about that. So my dude has sent his note. Now he has to wait another six hours. So it’s like, he knows it’s going to be early, early morning, but it actually might be a lot longer because he knows he has to do something to fix the portal. So he’s, he might be here for a while. He’s settling in.

He’s fine. But so he is like up and rowing around and he hears Rachel roaming around and she is looking for the money that her uncle and the Bodains and all the other crackers in this terrible town are raising because she’s going to take it and you find out again, eventually that she is a spy and she’s her plan is to take that money so they can’t get the privateer to go through the blockade. But so she has to do it for one thing. The money is not all there yet, although she would theoretically take it if it was not all there. She has to take it before they give it to Scott. Yes.

Otherwise, she’s lost her chance. And now he’s there. Yeah. And so this is going to be like a problem for her.

So he catches her and they have a little light because their rooms are right next door. They have a little like hot and heavy make out sesh with some good leg grinding. Some like super good dry humping. Oh my God. It was so good. I love a good grind. I feel like grinding is really like an unsung thing.

I agree. So they grind, she gets off and then immediately like her 19th century conventions hit and she’s like, oh my God. And he’s like, what do you know, he treat again. He treats her like she is a second year community college student at the line dancing bar. And he’s like, what’s the big deal? I don’t get it.

And she’s like, ah, he could ruin her life. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And without even and he just of course, fucks back to the 20th century.

Yes. And so to wherever this portal is going to take him the next day, she is up and out early. But then so is he because he’s like checking for the portal. And so they meet up again. Her aunt is now making her go side saddle horseback riding. And she’s like, but I’ve never ridden a horse. How the fuck have you ridden a horse? What are you been doing?

Like, Ohio is not that modern. No. And so, you know, they have a few more party cute run ins now. She has also been put in a course that going outside and she’s never ridden one before. So anyway, the horse like dumps her on a jump because she is not used to running side saddle. And he is afraid for her. So he let me tell you well, she does like pass out again from the fucking the the corset. So he takes his bare hand and this is a corset that laces up in the back. He takes his bare hands to the front of her corset and rips it open. I want to fucking see that. I want a strongest man or like the Hulk couldn’t even do that.

No. And then like, but we’re Garbo Dain is there and he is watching this man. He’s like, what are you doing? This is I mean, because it is this like she would be ruined. Yeah. So he actually tries to make a duel with this guy. And of course, guys like no, my seconds won’t call on you at all because this is fucking stupid.

Which and I’m in the past. Yeah. And so he ends up like punch a bar garbo Dain in the face. But then the ants like, well, you’re ruined, you’re marrying bar garbo Dain tomorrow. Tomorrow, you’re going to wear my dress. We’re going to call the fucking preacher. And I mean, this is actually something this is the only way that they could actually do anything to save this woman’s reputation.

Yes, like this was the one of like of the like the time choices. And then she’s like, you son of a bitch, you got me married. He’s like, well, it’s not my problem.

Just say no. Like it’s like, again, he has no concept of how fucking like shit works in the past. Again, which is how they got rid of this man, which is hilarious. Because again, he is a time traveler.

They could have picked anybody. It’s what it’s the craziest thing. So she gets shoved into this fucking dress. I’m not putting this dress on. I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.

Fuck you. And she’s like, well, if you don’t do it, I’m going to make Cassie quote unquote, the maid pay. So like we do use the threat of like physical violence against an enslaved person to get somebody to do what we do. So I appreciate like at least putting that in there. Yeah.

And also it has like the good detail that this is an old fashioned dress to her. Yeah. And so it seems pretty like empire. It seems like, you know, appropriately.

Okay, good job. You did you looked up one thing, but the thing is poor Rachel. Well, she was she got knocked off that horse to start with because she was trying to get back early because Yes, you got to get into that study when the men are not there.

Yeah, because you got to get the money. So she keeps losing these opportunities and she keeps on getting more and more stressed out and you know, And this man keeps manhandling her and taking off her clothes, which like, you know, like this is one of those times when like people barely like bathed on clothes, like they’re always in a thing. And like so he’s like, well, I don’t know what you’re upset about. Like it’s crazy.

So you’re just all Mary. I’m right. So now they have the money.

And so she’s like, shit, I lost my chance. He’s going to get the money. He they’ve given him the money. He’s going to leave.

God damn it. So she sneaks into his room that night. And that’s when she finds his weird zipper.

Yes. And it was like, finally, we are talking about so finally, the idea of things being weird and alien come into it because she’s like, huh, how does this open huh? And she’s like, what is this strange thing here? And she’s like, it’s dark. And so she’s trying to identify things by feel because she’s looking for a money box. And she’s like, her buttons and like, and so like, she finally figures out like the zipper and is like, what is this miraculous thing?

I was like, thank you. Like we’re all the sudden like flummox by something. So the first thing that she pulls out is his like Walkman. And she’s like, what are these little things and pushes play because she thinks it’s a toy and it’s so loud that she’s like, ah, and then he shows up and he’s like, oh, hey, you found my stuff. Now, instead of being like, haha, he’s asleep next to her.

Like, you know, I guess you have any way somebody’s like, oh, you want to see like, then he’s like, let me show you all my shit. And imagine, okay, these people are making way too much noise because you know how quiet this house would have been in the dark. There’s no air conditioner. There’s no refrigerator compression. There’s no Nothing making noise. No, but they are shouting and hollering all the goddamn time. I’m like, you for the for two people who are supposed to be sneaking around, you are the loudest asshole.

But she thinks that he must be a spy because honestly, it kind of does make sense that if if you’re a spy and somebody else shows up and they start acting really fucking weird, then maybe they’re like, I mean, they do spend like she does spend time marveling over things. But like even the feel of something plastic would be insane. You know what I mean? Like that would be like you would just feel it and such.

I mean, you imagine feeling plastic for the first time. Well, luckily, she does not see the TD mag. No, but then so they’re they, you know, but they still won’t complete each other. No, and it’s finally when they’re both kind of like sneaking out and like she finds that he has left the money on the nightstand. So she’s like, she’s sneaking out of this wedding. She’s wearing the wedding dress. Yeah, because she doesn’t want anything to happen to Cassie, but she doesn’t have a corset on him like that wouldn’t happen either. The course that you have to have to like get the dress fit.

But I know this is like maybe seemingly my new show when we’re dealing with a book about society changing technology such as fucking time travel dealt with it such a flip it matter that I shouldn’t care about. Of course, that at a dress, but like I still do. OK, so she’s got the money and she’s running, but she knows she’s got because they’re going to find out and they’re going to be real pissed when they find out that. Yes. And they think that what they think is that Ramsey has stolen it because the real Ramsey shows up.

Yeah. And so they’re both on the run together and they end up at a we have a deserted shack where she’s supposed to be her brothers. And she’s like, well, you know, we got enough time for it. He’s like, well, what I got enough time for is to show you what’s in my bag. He’s like here. Dr. Pepper.

He’s like here. Try Dr. Pepper. Oh, would you like an M &M?

Here’s a Pringle. Like put on these sweatpants like so they finally they bang it out and she’s like naked on top of them when her brothers bust in. So we had and she’s like, we’re married. They make the assumption because she has a wedding dress. And so they’re like, oh, well, you married him.

That’s fine. And you know, he’s like, but would she’s like shut the fuck up. They will kill you. So they’re trying to run it like they’re all for running now trying to get back to Ohio and they have to split up and her and Scott, they get caught by a boat. We’re going to Baudin and, you know, like right as they’re about to get shot, the portal comes and he like he’s like, gotta go.

But like drags her with him, which is a reason why it’s not like he just decided to do that irresponsibly. They were about to die. They literally had guns to their heads. Everybody knew who they were.

They had been made. But he’s like, I gotta go. So if he had been a smarter person, I would take the logic that he’s like, well, if she dies now, it doesn’t matter if I take her. Like if she’s gonna die, that I take her and that the timeline is still okay. He doesn’t care about any of that.

But I mean, you know, a sane person would worry about. So they jump back in and all of a sudden he’s at the base and they’re like, oh, hey, you brought somebody and then all of a sudden they get science. And I’m like, well, we got to look at her.

She’s like, what’s happening? They don’t get to science either. No, what we do, they would have taken that bitch apart like ET.

Well, no, I’m not saying they wouldn’t have. But like they like they take her back and then they’re like, all right, she’s good to go. And he’s like, well, the car, the side scene, the fucking Colonel, the fucking Colonel is like, well, you got six hours.

Why don’t you show in the future? So he puts her in a car and here’s the thing like this one would have been so overwhelmed and overstimulated. She was 35 miles an hour. She just would have died.

Here’s the thing like she passed out twice with course. That’s what I understand. But like you put me in a car and you’re going 65 miles an hour and I’m supposed to be cool with it.

Like no. And then he’s like, they get home and he’s like, hey, oh, the first they stop at a burger joint and he’s like, let’s get some burgers. And she’s confused by fast food.

Like, obviously. And then he gets home and he’s like, hey, here’s a shower and they have sour, shower sex. So she meets grandma and grandma’s like, I like her keeper.

This is a good one. And so Rachel’s like, everything here is awesome and easy. I want to stay. Yeah.

Nobody here seems to be enslaved. This is great. Yes. And he’s she’s like, no, absolutely. And he’s like, I don’t see a problem.

And that minute we get the phone call from the colonel. Like, oh, we just look at you. She’s demilacularizing.

Yeah. She is doing what this copy of the. Yes, she’s melting and she only has about an hour. So she has to go back and she’s like, but I don’t want to go back.

And he’s like, well, you got to. Sorry. So they send her back. He’s bombed out. He goes back home. Well, they send her back to Ohio by the. Yes, they do. They make sure she’s safe.

But what’s that going to do when her brothers get back, I’m sure that she’s dead and she’s going to be like, yeah, I’ve been here three weeks. Like what? What? What? Never mind. Just never, never, never mind. So he’s all bummed out and he comes back home to where grandma is and grandma’s like, oh, was that the girlfriend that you had to send her back at time?

Surprise. I knew you were a time traveler a whole time because you’re an idiot. Yeah, that’s true. You’re the only one stupid enough to be a time traveler.

And then here’s the mind fuck everyone. Scott Ramsey is his own great, great, great grandfather. No, he’s not. Yes, yes.

No, he’s not. OK, the letters. No, let me explain what happened. Now he’s still a descendant. He’s still he is still an ancestor of his own self.

He’s not. What happens is this dude, ding, ding, ding knocks on the door and it’s this guy who looks kind of familiar. But he’s like, OK, so this is going to sound weird. But my grandmother has this date this time and your address in her diary.

Fair enough. Or my great, great, great grandmother, whatever. And so he’s like, wait, what? And he shows him the diary and all it has is like his address, date and time. And then she’s obviously so upset that she stopped writing.

Yes, nothing happens. Yeah. So Scott’s like, well, it’s like Scott, it has only been an hour since I have last left you. Like, yeah, exactly. So no, Scott’s not. Oh, my God.

I don’t know. But she’s this book is that insane. You know, it’s not stupid. But so he asked like, so your grandmother told me about her.

Like, oh, well, they and my great, whatever grandfather moved out invested in Denver. It’s had a great life. And Scott’s like, interesting.

Nice to meet you. And then he runs back. Well, now he talks to Grandma first. Grandma is like because she’s grandma’s like, hey, I know your time travel. I know that girl was like from the past, but I also know that you won’t let me do what a goddamn want to do. And why don’t you just go back to the past?

And then I can play canasta like I want to. And he’s like, but are you sure? She’s like, yes, I’m fucking sure. But then he does not take a couple weeks to prepare. It’s time travel. He could do it whenever he does not take a sports betting guide for the 19th century. He does not. He does not do any of the things you might want to do before you go back to the past forever. He’s got to change power of attorney, at least if he’s in charge of Grandma. He’s got to set that shit up for her because he’s in charge of her finances. Yeah. No, no, no, you got to do pay for hours. I guess it’s only because he could go whenever, but maybe once they have like some fucking committee meetings, they wouldn’t send him.

But also maybe now that the people know he’s back there, he can come like hop back and forth. I don’t know, bitch. Don’t make a face.

You don’t know what you’re there. That’s it, bitch. That is not it. That is the what are you talking about? I’m saying like emotionally.

Emotionally, yes. I’m saying that you’re telling me he can’t like, oh, like, oh, shit. You’re telling me that that insane Colonel won’t be like, well, we need to Scott to sign this form for Momo. He wouldn’t use that portal that way.

You’re telling me that. That’s absolutely how he would use that portal. Yes.

I mean, the portal would be like the jet’s won the Super Bowl. Yes. That’s what, yes. That’s the military industrial complex is fucking around with it. So he got like, he ends up like he 30 minutes later, he’s not going to her door.

And that’s what made her stop writing the dark. Like, dude, I would have packed up on a like here, give me 20 minutes to fill up a duffel bag. I’m going to go to CVS. And what I’m going to do is spend $1,000 on toothpaste, toothbrushes.

No, I buy antibiotics. With that too. Like you didn’t let me fit.

Yes. I would be buying all the things that are like they had tooth powder and shit. I don’t want tooth powder.

I don’t want hog bore bristle toothbrushes. I’m not going that way. I’m getting myself. No, I’m getting myself a spin brush and some extra batteries because if my teeth get fucked, I’m fucked.

Well, no, but then if they if you do that, then you’re going to have batteries back there. If you had any goddamn like care for the timeline. But then again, the animal does Scott have care for the time lines there. Just give a shit.

No, no, he doesn’t. So that’s why I’m obviously going to take really good care of like my oral health. I’d be buying underwear because I don’t want to wear that underwear. Well, they don’t. Yeah, I don’t want things just flopping around. Yeah, but like, I mean, tooth care is giving me my number one thing because I’m not dealing with like 19th century dentistry. Fuck that. No, like we get floss. We get all the shit. I’m going to water pick.

We’re doing it all. OK, I don’t think the water pick is going to work. Battery operated hoe. Yeah, like never mind.

And have those little ones now. The point of the matter is this man does not do any of this. He just gets in his car, floors it going 10,000 miles an hour.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t die on the road where he lives 20 minutes. Again, it’s well, send me back. Send me back right now. And he tells the guy like, hey, can you do me a favor?

Like, I was like, sure. Yeah, why does he? I don’t understand why he’s not even like, like, oh, my God, this is like, so she is writing in her diary and looks up and he’s like, hey, baby, I’m here.

It’s not like, how am I going to explain you where you put anything or to be like, you sure we can’t go back? There’s no way that like I can get unmelting because I would really like to live where I don’t have to spend hours cooking. I would really like to live where it takes me 20 minutes to like go 60 miles an hour.

I would really like to get, you know, like maybe let the technology be sure a little bit, Scott. Like there’s fucking you took me to a place where there’s indoor plumbing and I took a shower. Yeah. I took a goddamn shower. Then by the way, an enslaved person did not have to heat up the water for me to do it. Right.

Nobody was, you know, cause any pain or suffering by me taking that shower. It’s amazing. But it’s no human. No, but she’s just like, oh, hey, boo. And yeah, they live happily ever after in fucking 1862, Ohio. Yeah.

Anyway, so question time, big dick energy or big dick energy. He was fine. He just took it a little too cavalierly about her reputation and shit. Yeah.

Thank you. Again, he was so stupid. Everybody in this book is tasty, but I mean, it’s fine.

She’s in flavors are too stupid. Yeah. If this book was so, I think again, it would have been better served if we just didn’t know the tell us less because here’s the thing you’ve given us.

She’s written this book after Terminator, where we get the best time traveler ever of like, you know, like a cow or Reese showing up naked. That’s the other thing you’ve got to give me answers. Why is he naked?

Because I’ve got the cow or Reese expectation come with me if you want to live bullshit. So he’s, I mean, he was fine. It was, you know, it there, this book had funny moments. It was quippy.

Like he wasn’t gross, but he’s also completely okay being in the 19th century and seeing enslaved people. Yeah, it’s not. Obviously everybody in this is on the right side history.

The enslavers are fucking stupid and are too. But yeah, like I would throw up. There’s like one throw away line about seeing them. That’s it.

One one line. Yeah. And I mean, it talks more about her and how horrible because she is risking her life as an abolitionist.

You know. Well, yeah, how she talks to Cassie, like a real person and everything, but that doesn’t like he should be completely thrown. He should just be like you were so disoriented. And it’s like, especially like if this is your first time interacting with historical people. Yes, yes.

He never talked to a person. Yes, like I’d be freaking the fuck out. I’d be like, oh, shit.

No, no, he’s fine. And I would constantly be saying the wrong metaphor. I’d be like, well, that train is already. Oh, wait, you do have trains. No, that’s okay.

Never mind. He’s singing songs. He’s singing like being cross the song. But talking about rockets. Like they don’t know what a fucking what are you doing?

And he talks about how he flies an airplane like, oh, what’s an airplane? You sack of shit. All right. Would you talk shit with her about the heroin? She’s great. She is like she’s very plucky. I didn’t like her until it turned out that she was a spy.

And then I realized everything that was inconsistent and stupid about her was actually a perfect. She’s fine. She’s very sassy. Like she gave her very contemporary sass. Sass mouth. We love that. She’s fine in a book like this. Yeah.

She’s tit for tat. Like it was good. Yeah. No, no, she is fantastic. She deserves better than fly boy over there.

Back to the bitch. There are actually a lot of women characters in this who all do talk about stuff like not necessarily men. They talk about the war. They talk about, you know, yeah, and we have the grandma.

And we do have some like, I mean, it’s got like good female relationships. I mean, they could be better, you know, but again, this book is so insane that like you don’t even think about that. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

So yeah, it’s great. Actually, I’m back to the bitch. Um, when it comes to consent, is this book more Robin Thicke or Marvin Gaye? There is honestly, he ought to have a lot more consent mindedness than anybody else in this book because he comes from 1994 instead of 1862. But he still does like when they bang it out. I was like, what do you do with like, he doesn’t have condom.

No, he did not pack a condom. I’m like, you’re not even thinking about like the fact that like immunization, whatever, like you’re probably just giving the chick like low key hanging out with her like chicken pox and she’s going to die or something. You know, like, there’s just something like whatever. Yeah. And then like you put your dick in her and he got Confederate crabs having to thought about that. Yes.

Like, you know, like, Confederate crabs and their little gray uniform. I’m sorry. I was again. I was again.

I was again. Like it doesn’t even think about that. It doesn’t even think about like things that could be like so low key STDs that like don’t even like test for you. But like she’s never been exposed. It’s like if it’s like if I, me or Sarah went to like one of those uninhabited, like really like, you know, isolated trubs, then we’re like, I’m going to fuck everybody here. Like even just kissing her. Yes.

Her his mouth bacteria. I know this book is insane. Yeah. But he does. Okay. So there is some pretty non-consensual kissing that she’s like, no, no, no, yes.

But like little ravishing, but like not. He should not be doing that shit because he should know better. He’s at work.

Yeah. He is at work. He is at work. He is on the job, the J.O .B. that he has insurance and healthcare and like whatever for that he pays taxes for.

He is at his job and he is just fucking around and find it out. And not even put that like he at no point and at no point in this book that he say this could be a bad idea because I’m from the fucking future. No, no, no. He’s like, I would like to get into them stays. I couldn’t deal.

It was crazy. Okay. So, but yeah, it’s not just the time trouble thing. He is a little douchey about the forcible kissing and stuff.

No. And he’s like, why are you so upset about this is really everybody does this. She’s like, I’m from the 19th century. You asshole. Yeah. How about the your mom off a read this book? I mean, I think I would be bad because I would want her to ask questions about the time travel.

Yes. You know, Mama Mildred would have had questions about the time travel to she’d been like, I don’t know. No, no, he took what he took some doctor. She would be very upset about what he packed. Oh, my God. She was like, if you if you go to pack John, well, then what you gonna have is your bottle dot your bottle, Coke, your peanuts and like your moon pie garbage. I mean, he’s gonna like hit the gas station, get some fun dip. You were on a fun dip kick.

I’m about it. It’s just because you never see it. And then you sometimes you see it in the gas station. That’s right. So with Florida ban it. Well, I think it is like, again, we have this 1862 book.

He does. The word slave is used in it. Yes, it’s not a little servants and shit, but they’re still called servants. They’re still called maids.

We do have the threat against Cassie. But again, it’s holy if if they didn’t tell you when this was or where it was, you would have no clue. There is really no this book for what it could have been like and really talking about that culture shock and like that whatever.

Like, and again, I would have just appreciated like one or two. I’m not saying like for a fun, stupid book that you have to get into the horse of slavery, but like at least acknowledge it. And honestly, I think Florida would love this because everybody in it who’s a right is happy. I mean, they’re all on the right side of history because like Florida’s like, oh, yeah, there was slavery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then it’s all over now when everything’s good. Yeah, it’s kind of the impression that you get from this. This book that obviously these people are bad. And I mean, like none of the slaveholders are good or fun or anything. Yeah. And then, you know, I mean, it’s very black and white.

So yeah, Florida probably would not ban it. You’re not leaving this house looking like that. This is a missed opportunity because this could have been a very good like Earth Girls are easy, which I know obviously is about aliens. But you could have given me a Rachel Angus to go to the mall and like have outfits and trot things on and whatever. Or even the other way around that Scott would have had to like, and yeah, no, like this is a missed out. Like she dropped the ball on this thing.

There could have been great because all we have is like a wedding dress and like wedding dress. I mean, it’s fun. But like it could have been really fun. Like to let her have more than a couple hours to let. I think what could have also worked is to like what would have made it better is like to let her have like, let’s say the same amount of time that he was there.

Yeah. And then like she gets to go to the mall and try things on. But then she finds it like a little overwhelming and she starts to miss like slower life.

And that’s when she finds out that she’s deemed molecularizing. Not an unalloyed. This is amazing. Yeah. Like to be able to be like, Hey, I’m showing you like the Hala and then you have to leave.

But to have like a mall moment where she gets to wear outfits and that they get like he sneakily brings back some clothes with her favorite things that she can wear in the privacy of her own home would have been fun. Yeah. But it’s not like that. Would your 12 year old stuff have dogged? Oh, absolutely. So the again, the grinding in this is hot. And it’s one of those books where the the pre is hotter than the actual almost all like that. But the actual sex is pretty good at that. No, it’s very good. It’s like, yeah. And she’s into it. I really liked the sex edit. Again, that grinding thing was super good.

I love a fucking dry hump. Yeah. Right. Like it’s under like underscored.

It’s under song. I like that. Yeah. Absolutely.

The the the underdog of of of of four play acts. Absolutely. But again, there’s sex sex is good too. Honestly, it’s well written sex.

So that’s why I hate that she’s like taking it out of there. What pairs nicely with the dumpster fire? Obviously a cocktail with Dr. Pepper in it. Yes.

A Dr. Pepper cocktail or like I do declare murder. Oh my God. It’s very much of that.

Like I say, I say, I say, we got to call it the fog horn leg horn. Yes. Um, yeah. So I think, yeah, I do think if we can find some kind of Docker, Dr. Pepper based cocktail, which I don’t even know. Because like, I know as a North Carolinian, I always get like, cheer wine. Well, no, I don’t look like Dr. Pepper.

Oh, I like a diet Dr. Pepper, but cheer wine is too sweet for me. I am a, as a Charlotte, TN, as a Charlotte, TN, you are not, you’re from Fort Mill. Well, Fort Mill and Charlotte are essentially like, Oh, no, no, no, no, no. As a Piedmont Carolina girl, my top tier choice is diet cherry sun drop. That is my localized beverage.

Dijon. Now here’s the thing in Columbia where we live, I can find diet sun drop, which is fine. But the, the, the cherry. I’ve never seen a cherry sun drop.

Cherry sun drop is the shit. And I used to go to this place up in, up in Moorsville, NASCAR, USA, Moorsville, there’s a place, it’s a water burger. Now it’s not, it’s not the Texas chain.

This water burger is just a water burger. Yeah, we got one of them in town too. It’s a different one. Yeah, it’s different. They have a drink called the witch doctor.

This is, you know what this, I’m making the witch doctor my drink because it’s like a local thing. It’s diet or it’s sun drop. It’s kind of like a mix of all these things, but heavily sun drop. And then it’s got dill pickles on it. Ooh.

And that’s my bad bro. I would drink that. Yeah, that’s good. Well, I just enjoy how Dr. Pepper is the only one that has interest. Like the generics always have a funny name.

So it’s like, like, Dr. Dr. Bob. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So like, yeah, give me a Dr. Pepper. I like Dr. Pepper.

I like Dr. Pepper too. But like, yeah. But yeah. I guess I’ll have a Jack and Dr. Pepper and I’ll call it like, you know, pirate, like the. Oh, well, you know, we could call it the private here.

Oh, yeah. The Jack and Diet. How about this?

Jack, Dr. Pepper and a pickle slice. Okay. And that’s the private here.

The private here. Yeah. So, okay. Should a human being or a person in the 21st century read this book? Well, only 20 have, including me on Goodreads. Well, I found it wild that this book was like, he says that he’s, and maybe she wrote it like that he’s at the feature, but he’s from 2001. I was like, well, yeah, because he didn’t have time travel in 1994.

And obviously we’ve had time travel for 20 years. And I was like, like, ake brake heart. I was like, this is crazy.

Anyway. So this has been our episode on till the end of time. I cannot remember this book by Susan Elizabeth, Suzanne Elizabeth. You can find us at bodicehipplers.com. Check out our new revamp website.

It’s made for your like viewing and listening ease and pleasure. You can find us on Instagram at bodicehipplers. Blue Sky, Sarah is running the show and it is bodicehipplers. She will also send you an invite if you would need it.

Blue Sky Invite. It would be cool because they do know, send them. So, you know, they don’t, they don’t, you can’t ruin her being club rep. And then you can find us at Facebook at bodicehipplers.com. Again, we’re coming to you. I like to say love because I like to be less than a man, but we are coming to you from Edisto, South Carolina. And again, we want to thank our Patreons for making this happen for us. We feel very cool and special. And it’s kind of a nice, unique thing to be able to be like our podcast that we made on a whim and like for fun is bankrolling even like the smallest, like that we just got to do a thing doing that.

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