Episode 17 – The Hood by Carin Rafferty

YES, this is EXACTLY what this book is about!  She wears this outfit!  He wears that outfit!  She is totally checking out his ass!  It’s amazing!  It’s 1992!  She’s a treasury agent!  He’s an… accountant!  A white savior accountant!  Just read it, okay?  This white boy plays basketball in his Daisy Dukes in it, it is amazing.

There’s… nothing bad in this book, honestly!  She survived an abusive childhood.  Nobody gets raped.  The only racist thing about it is that these white people go around either saving or not saving the ghetto, and they say “ghetto” on every third page but so did Elvis.  It is a fucking delight in so many ways.  We picked this up to make fun of it and then we felt hella bad because this book is woke as shit.

The sex is hot!  They talk about consent the whole time!  It’s all about structural inequalities!  I didn’t even know people who wear pantyhose under their side-zipping pleated slacks knew what structural inequalities are, y’all!

…. but let’s talk about the alphets.

Some of you might be too young to remember when that was a totally normal thing for a professional woman to wear.  Remember, only little girls and whores go around bare legged.  This, on the other hand, is fine:
 Nothing to see here.  Nothing unusual whatsoever.  Especially nothing around the belt area.  Things normally button right in the middle of weird tie business.
YES, people were wandering around looking like admirals in the most low budget space navy of all time.
MAKE THEM PHONE CALLS, BITCH!  Close on the Anderson account!  (I think this is a Bajoran only they forgot the nose ridge piece?)
See like your knees would be FREEZING and your armpits would be DYING and also you would match your purse.  (What the fuck is Princess Di carrying in her purse?)
STEP RIGHT UP ladies and gentlemen OH YES DID I MENTION CLIP ON EARRINGS (you’re gonna be glad because you can unclip the one when you answer the phone, yes women used to do that.)
okay i kind of like it so shoot me it’s the utter commitment of the gloves and the scarf
This was literally very similar to one of my first “professional outfits”.  I am not fucking kidding.  My mother made me dress up fancy to go to my dad’s company, where he was an executive, to “apply” for the job they were giving me.  My beaming parents took pictures.  Yes I wore hose.  We all wore hose.
WE’RE PLAYING WITH THE BIG BOYS NOW AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!  HIKE!
See this skirt length?  This goddamned school principal shit?  They made us wear that.
You don’t understand, this was COOL.  This was one of those “oh you could never wear that to the office” bullshit fashion looks that they put in magazines all the time, like nowadays when they keep trying to tell you to wear suits with shorts instead of pants.  God the pleats.  Do you have any idea how much polterwang these damned pants used to produce?  You’d sit down and everybody was hella confused.
Oh Scully I’m so sorry.

In conclusion: you young ladies who now think everything is charmingly retro think you gonna wear a power suit and look like Grace Jones, but in actuality you gonna look like Early Seasons Scully.  Because that’s what women wore to look professional but not too sexy but also like a man but only a little because if you look too feminine you’re a coffee bitch and if you look too masculine you’ll never get promoted and they’ll make fun of you.  AND DON’T FORGET THE PANTYHOSE.